Everyone is invited to my house for dinner next Friday night.
I’ve invited the whole city of Akron. We’re going to have burgers (of course), steak, porkchops, pigs feet, cows brains and steak tartar. We’ll wash it down with some nice cold milk.
Hey, why shouldn’t we gorge ourselves on all the meat and milk we can eat? There’s plenty to go around, now that the FDA has approved the use of meat and milk from cloned animals. And it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. Winter is here and homelessness has once again become a point of social malcontent. Poverty is on the rise. Soup kitchens can’t keep up with demand. But the need for more meat runs much deeper than simply providing for the less fortunate.
The perfect meat storm is brewing. The Atkins diet has left us with a severe meat shortage. Peta has made signficant progress in its attempts to defend animal rights and needs something else to do. And now with global warming heating everything up, more people are out grilling than ever before. Our government – one that is truly for the people – recognized the volatility of this situation and did what any responsible governing body would do – played God to provide us with more meat. Why waste time on looking for an alternative source of fuel when faced with a pending national crisis?
So join me in celebrating this culinary landmark. If you can’t make it to Akron, be sure to go grill up some meats. And don’t worry if you can’t identify the cloned meat; our government has taken care of that for us too. To spare us the hard decision of which one to pick, they’ve made it so it’s all packaged the same. That’s right, no worrying about accidentally picking up real meat when you have a hankering for some that’s cloned.
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I want to get a head start on the celebration; I’m off for a late night snack of meat pie and chocolate milk.